Every year, around the beginning of fall, I come down with a serious case of the blues. I love fall – the pumpkins, the leaves, the pumpkins, the crisp chilled air, the pumpkins – but I hate the depression that comes with it. Because I’m in no mood to explain what this is like, I’ll let the ever talented Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half explain it for me. In fact, from now on, whenever anyone asks me about my depression, I will simply refer them to this wonderful interpretation of the hell hole in which depression imprisons someone instead of trying to explain it myself.
I could add other excuses for sitting on the couch all day to the mix – I had a sinus infection, followed by a week at my sister’s house, followed by vertigo caused by an inner ear infection, followed by a shoulder injury – but the reality is, I’ve just been too sad to care about being healthy.
Which puts me right about where I was weeks ago when I started A Healthy Challenge. Maybe it’s the depression, maybe it’s the unemployment, maybe it is just the laziness I’ve succumbed to, but I feel like nothing in my life, habits and health has changed, or will ever change, despite my efforts. Because that’s a really shit place to be, I’ve tried fixing this feeling of stagnation by constantly moving and changing. Unfortunately, that just lends itself to feelings of insecurity and instability. I’m stuck in a lose-lose situation where both staying still and being on the run increase the depression I’m trying to avoid.
So, my dear friends and readers, excuse me while I take some time to figure the fine balance that is life out. When I know the answer, I’ll post it here. And if any of you have the answer, I’d love to hear all about it.
Until then, I’m changing up my progress reports to include things that are important to me now, and getting rid of those things that just seem to increase my apprehension for writing progress reports. Shockingly, reporting my weight doesn’t bother me anymore, but having to even think about running, going to the gym, push-ups and sit-ups does. I’ll bring them back when I can fathom doing them again but until then, I’m replacing them with amount of days I’ve done purposeful and focused movement – or how long I’ve made myself purposely get off the couch and move in a focused way. I’m also adding amount of days I’ve meditated and stretched outside of yoga, something I’ve found contributes directly to my emotional and physical well-being. I’ll let you all know how this helps with the depression or if it’s just another excuse to avoid the gym.
Bi-monthly progress report for October 31, 2011 (photo taken 10/29/11 – I’m dressed as the girl at the Renaissance Faire who lets you touch her boobs for $5):
- Weight: 215.4
- Chest, Waist, Hips Measurements: 47, 41.5, 52.5
- Dress size: 18
- Resting Heart Rate: 72 bpm
- BMI: 44% (according to a body-fat scale I have which may be far from accurate)
- Amount of time I can focus in a meditation: 30 seconds
- Level of clutter in my apartment (1-10 scale, 1 being clean, 10 being hurricane): 9
- Amount of days I’ve done purposeful, focused movement: 9
- Amount of days I’ve stretched and meditated (outside of yoga class): 1