May Is National Masturbation Month and I Can’t Celebrate, But You Can For Me

Oh that little thing right there? That’s nothing, just a giant ball of something hanging out in my uterus.

My uterus blown up

The doctors found it by sticking a tube into my cervix and filling my uterus up with fluid, then shoving a probe in my vaginal cavity simultaneously, while I screamed in pain and begged them to stop.

It was probably the least fun thing my body has ever been through.

Unfortunately, they think that ball, as large as it seems in the photo, is too small and innocuous to be causing all the abdomen pain I’ve been in, so we haven’t decided if we’re going to abort the lesbian spawn of Satan growing inside of me, or just see where it runs its course.

Meanwhile, I’m in for more tests, all of which seem to leave me in more pain than when I started and with little to no desire to have anything up my vagina ever again. I tried masturbating two days ago and it hurt so badly to orgasm that I thought about joining a nunnery.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace

Hail Mary, Full of Grace

But, just because I can’t physically participate in Masturbation Month May (unlike National Clitoris Day, I didn’t make this one up, just ask Twitter),  doesn’t mean I can’t suggest items ways for all of you to enjoy it!

In fact, I would love it if you all could masturbate for me! Dedicate an orgasm to my wounded, extended, parasitic twin carrying uterus!

Help me live vicariously through you by masturbating in some of my favorite ways.

1. The romantic evening alone.

As cliche as it sounds, I love to light some candles, put on some sensual music, draw myself a bath and relax in the tub. Here are some things that help make that experience even better.

2. The loving assist.

My partner has a lower sex drive than I do, so sometimes I feel like an orgasm when she’s rather spent. In those instances, she rubs my breasts while I touch myself. It’s one of my favorite things to do and a way for us to be intimate without having to fully engage in more exhausting kinds of sex.

5. The quarter-pounder (hold the cheese).

Sometimes, you don’t want all that romance. Sometimes, you just want to pound yourself. For those instances, I like to grab one of my favorite dildos.

4. The ride ’em cowgirl.

Sometimes, I just want to ride something. Unlike Epiphora, I haven’t been lucky enough to be gifted a Sybian sex machine, so I’ve made one myself out of my Liberator wedge. Just grab a dildo with balls and shove the balls into the pocket for the Magic Wand, then enjoy the ride! You can obviously also just keep the Magic Wand (or my favorite the Bodywand) and ride that as well, if that’s more your style.

5. The quickie.

When time is scarce, I usually just use my hand, but sometimes, when things just aren’t working, I grab my We-Vibe Tango, Bodywand or other powerful massager and wham, bam, thank you ma’am.


Dammit, all this talk about masturbating has made me horny.  Oh well, hopefully they’ll figure out what’s causing this pain sooner rather than later. Until then, thanks for masturbating in my honor!

About Queerie Bradshaw

Lauren Marie Fleming is a writer, speaker and motivator known for her intimate, informative and often hilarious look at sex, relationships and body-image. Lauren runs the critically-acclaimed blog, writes for major news sources including VICE, Nerve, Huffington Post and Curve, and is the author of her memoir Losing It: My Life as a Sex Blogger. In 2013, Lauren founded Frisky Feminist Press ( as a way to enhance conversations about sexuality through educational guides, online classes and entertaining publications. A law school graduate, Lauren has spoken all over the United States and is internationally recognized for her dynamic, engaging style. In everything she does, Lauren’s goal is to educate, remove stigmas and encourage people to achieve their desires.
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7 Responses to May Is National Masturbation Month and I Can’t Celebrate, But You Can For Me

  1. dizzygirl812 says:

    So sorry that you aren’t feeling well. Sending positive vibes. I’ll have an orgasm in your honor.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Lesbian spawn of Satan? I thought that was your pet name for me!

  3. Stefanie says:

    I can’t imagine the horror you’re experiencing, Lauren. I hope they figure things out and get all this resolved soon. Thinking of you!

  4. Dude! I hope you got a second opinion. Letting some weird growth just hang out? No thank you. Cut it the fuck out, now, would be my reaction. WTF?!

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