Because I was having complete emotional breakdowns and tragic bouts of depression right before my period each and every month, my therapist and I thought going on birth control might help regulate my hormones and make life a bit less absolutely miserable during my cycle.
Problem is, I never remember to take the damn thing. The last time I was on “The Pill” was 7 years ago. From ages 12-22, I diligently (and sometimes not so) took a pill every morning when I woke up. Or every night I went to bed. Or, realistically, whenever the hell I remembered to take it.
I’m not used to that kind of sexual discipline in my life anymore.
Because I’m single, on birth control, horny, not looking for attachments, curious, sexual, sensual, bored, stuck in a small town, emotionally unavailable, lazy, sexy and all those things that lead someone to think crazy thoughts, I keep thinking that I should go have sex with a man, or men, while I have the opportunity.
It’s not that I want to start dating cis-gendered men permanently, but I’m like that girl in college who thinks about sleeping with a woman because she’s at a party and why not, that’s what your youth is for. YOLO, carpe sexum and shit like that. As my friend Damon said, “some girls are bi-curious, you’re straight-curious.”
So, as someone who is contemplating sleeping with men for the first time in over 8 years, I’m feeling a pressure to take these pills on time. Imagine me, the lesbian sex educator, getting knocked up. I’m pretty sure they’d take away my membership card. Not that lesbians and sex educators don’t get pregnant on accident, I’m just saying I don’t want to be one of them.
Even if I don’t sleep with men – which let’s face it probably won’t happen as all I really want to do is cuddle and listen to Ani DiFranco – I still need to take these damn things regularly if I want to regulate my hormones and not end up on the floor curled in a ball crying for a week yet again.
As usual, I turned to the Twittersphere to help me solve my pill popping problem. Here’s the advice I got:
I tried the phone reminder advice (and the teeth brushing one too, much to the cheers of my friends), but I always end up shutting the flashing message off, then never get my lazy ass up to take it. Even now, as I write this, I am realizing I haven’t taken my pill yet today. But do I stop writing? No. I just sit here talking about doing something and never actually doing it.
Such is the life of a procrastinator.
Maybe there’s more to my pill procrastination than the usual simple laziness. My therapist believes I get lazy when I’m emotionally blocked and don’t want to deal with an issue. I’m not sure how she feels about the pill popping problem, as I’ve been too lazy to go see her about it.
Hmm. I’m sensing a pattern here.
Ok, so maybe I have an emotional blockage against my birth control and that’s why I’m not taking it. It’s true, I’m not a fan of being back on the pill. Sure, it’s brought all kinds of freedom to all kinds of women, but at what cost? Higher rates of heart disease, blood clots (remember Yaz?), risk for sexual dysfunction or lack of sex drive, tender boobs (mine are bad right now!), weight gain, weight loss, nausea, bleeding between periods, etc.
If Viagra had these issues … well it wouldn’t because men love their reproductive systems (aka dicks and balls) and will fuck up anyone who messes with them. So why don’t women fuck up people who mess with their reproductive systems?
Maybe it’s because we’re used to people always debating our rights. Maybe we’re used to just being thankful for what we have, not demanding what we want. Maybe it’s because we’re shamed into thinking we shouldn’t be having or enjoying sex in the first place.
No matter what the reasons are that better birth control without side effects doesn’t exist, the side effects are the reason I’m hesitant to be on the pill and could possibly be the reason I’m not remembering to take it regularly.
Or maybe I’m just over-thinking the whole thing. Maybe it is simply forgetful laziness.
P.S. I still haven’t taken my pill today.