Off Our Chests: Fear Leads to Anger, Anger Leads to Hate, Hate Leads to Suffering

It was law school graduation this weekend and all I want to do is yell at every person I see posting a “woohoo school’s out let’s partay!” comment on Facebook. I’m so angry at everyone who gets to party, everyone who gets to celebrate, everyone who gets to have graduation be just about graduation for them, not about their brother’s cancer or their grandmother’s death.

I’m angry at every person who gets what I didn’t get.

My brother was diagnosed with cancer two days before my last day of law school. I was so distraught, I missed the last day of classes and the partying that happened after. I barely made it through finals and had to get on a plane early the next day to take care of my (still healing from an emergency C-section) sister and her kids while waiting for the first of many surgeries my brother had.

Then, on graduation morning, my grandmother had a stroke. The ceremony is a blur to me and all I really remember is this picture my aunts sent me of my grandmother looking dead in a bed (it was supposed to be funny – it wasn’t) right before I went on stage. I opted to see my grandmother in the hospital instead of going to the reception and while my graduation party was fun, there was a very large black cloud hanging over the whole thing.

While all my friends were getting drunk, playing in the sun and preparing for the Bar, I was sleeping in hospital rooms, consoling my family members and preparing for my grandmother’s passing.

And instead of hating the situation, I keep finding myself hating my friends, the ones who got to have fun, the ones who got what I wanted to have.

Ok, I don’t actually hate them. In fact, some of them I love very much and am very glad they got to have a wonderful graduation, I just am so angry that I didn’t.

My therapist says anger is a natural part of the grieving process, but hearing that just seemed to make me hate life even more. Maybe yoda was right, maybe anger does lead to hate and hate leads to suffering, because I’m definitely suffering right now.

So, if Yoda is right, then is the root of all of my anger, hatred and suffering simply fear? Am I simply afraid of what this past year meant to my life, afraid of dealing with what actually happened, afraid of feeling the pain that exists is my heart? If I face that fear, will I end my anger, which will end my hate, which will end my suffering?

Or am I reading too much in to a green talking puppet?

Maybe I should instead listen to the other green talking puppet who says “life’s a movie, write your own ending” and go out and party myself.

I’ve definitely been half-asleep and I’ve definitely heard voices, but hey, my therapist says that’s also normal for the grieving process as well. Maybe instead of separating myself from everyone like I’ve done to attempt to avoid my grief, I should instead follow Kermit’s advice and try to connect with other lovers and dreamers to help me through.

I don’t know the answer. I don’t know how to heal from all the suffering of the past year, but I do know I’m tired of being angry, especially at friends who have done nothing except accomplish the very difficult task of graduating law school.

 

 

About Queerie Bradshaw

Lauren Marie Fleming is a writer, speaker and motivator known for her intimate, informative and often hilarious look at sex, relationships and body-image. Lauren runs the critically-acclaimed QueerieBradshaw.com blog, writes for major news sources including VICE, Nerve, Huffington Post and Curve, and is the author of her memoir Losing It: My Life as a Sex Blogger. In 2013, Lauren founded Frisky Feminist Press (FriskyFeminist.com) as a way to enhance conversations about sexuality through educational guides, online classes and entertaining publications. A law school graduate, Lauren has spoken all over the United States and is internationally recognized for her dynamic, engaging style. In everything she does, Lauren’s goal is to educate, remove stigmas and encourage people to achieve their desires.
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