Queerie Me: If You’re a Lesbian, Why Would You Date Transmen?

Dear Queerie Bradshaw,

You’re a lesbian, right? So why do you like transmen and women who look like men? Doesn’t that defeat the whole point?

Confused Straight Girl


Dear CSG,

I actually get that question a lot and the simple answer is that no matter how much T (that’s code for testosterone) a transman takes, he’ll still know what I mean when I say I hate my fucking cramps. He’ll know why I feel unsafe walking home late at night by myself. He’ll know how my body responds to touch because his body responds, or at the very least used to respond, to the same kind of touch.

A lot of the attraction to women for me is that shared life experience. So while trans, androgynous, gender-queer and butch people may no longer present, see themselves as or be feminine, there still is that attraction for me to the shared female experience, even if they no longer completely share it with me.

I’m also very attracted to people who break gender barriers. Maybe it’s because I’m so gender-conforming, but I find myself more and more pulled towards female bodied people who look male. Just as a straight woman wouldn’t necessarily be able to explain fully why she prefers large muscular men to other body types, I can’t fully explain why I find myself drawn to womyn that look like men.

I just am. And that is ok.

Queerie Bradshaw

About Queerie Bradshaw

Lauren Marie Fleming is a writer, speaker and motivator known for her intimate, informative and often hilarious look at sex, relationships and body-image. Lauren runs the critically-acclaimed QueerieBradshaw.com blog, writes for major news sources including VICE, Nerve, Huffington Post and Curve, and is the author of her memoir Losing It: My Life as a Sex Blogger. In 2013, Lauren founded Frisky Feminist Press (FriskyFeminist.com) as a way to enhance conversations about sexuality through educational guides, online classes and entertaining publications. A law school graduate, Lauren has spoken all over the United States and is internationally recognized for her dynamic, engaging style. In everything she does, Lauren’s goal is to educate, remove stigmas and encourage people to achieve their desires.
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9 Responses to Queerie Me: If You’re a Lesbian, Why Would You Date Transmen?

  1. What a great answer! I’ve loved some awesome transmen and the experience is so distinct from dating biological men. Perhaps it is being socialized as a woman and adopting the strengths of a man that truly brings out the best in our trans guys!

  2. Gina says:

    Queerie, one’s preferences in terms of gender attraction are completely personal and no one owes an explanation of  them to anyone. But I AM curious what your response is towards dating butch ID’ing trans women?

    • I agree that people shouldn’t have to explain their attractions to various genders, but also feel like having these conversations and explaining how I feel can help non-queer people understand where us queers are coming from, thus humanizing queer people and saving the world from oppression based on gender and sexual preference. Or so I hope one day to accomplish. 🙂

      As far as my opinion on dating butch ID’ing trans women, I feel like that might make for a good post in the future, so I won’t go into too much detail here, except to say this: I’ve tried it and it didn’t work for me. However, the two trans women I’ve dated and I had very little in common other than our mutual sexual attraction, so it was more about personality fit than gender fit at the time.

  3. Arabsest says:

    I get that this is a response to a straight girl, but I kind of wish the whole article was either “I just am. And that’s ok” or was longer, and went more into how it’s not ok to police your sexuality based on an arbitrary identity where how you prefer to have sex suddenly dictates everything else about you! Why not love trans men, aren’t we already gay? Why discard specific heterosexual definitions of love and sex only to adopt homosexual ones?

    • Great points. I always feel like Queerie Me responses need to be short and sweet, but this would have been a good point to go further into how rude a question like this is in the first place. When I’m asked this question, which I am a lot, I always just want to say “because they’re fucking hot” and leave it at that.

      That said, I think these are real, honest questions and I don’t want people to stop asking me these questions because, like I commented above, I think that if we can answer them then maybe they’ll gain some insight into the queer world and we can have world peace and kittens. But I’m an optimist like that.

  4. Helen says:

    Queerie, I can’t help but feel you completely avoided the question here. I’ve heard you refer to yourself numerous times as “a lesbian” so I’m assuming that that is how you identify – yet surely the implication given by the very definition of the word “lesbian” is thus dismissive of trans guys’ gender identities? You’ve done a wonderful job of explaining why you’re attracted to who you’re attracted to, but it seems to me that you’ve avoided addressing the original point of the question, and haven’t explained how it isn’t cissexist to potentially be in a relationship with a trans guy, yet identify as “lesbian”.

    • Hi Helen,

      Formally, I identify as queer, but I do refer to myself as a lesbian, dyke, femme, lipstick, genderqueer, fag, gay, ghey, and many other titles depending on the day and my mood. You’re right, though, that I often say I’m a lesbian.

      I think your questions presented here are great, and something I’d love to address better in a full post. I’m starting an advice column on Kinkly.com, and I’ll add this to the top of the list to address. Specifically, I love this: “how it isn’t cissexist to potentially be in a relationship with a trans guy, yet identify as “lesbian”” You’re right, that would be great to address and I didn’t do a full job of it here. I’ll keep you updated on when that goes live.


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