Dear Queerie Bradshaw,
Every time we have sex, my girlfriend wants to use a vibrator to get off. This didn’t bother me at first but now I’m starting to feel insecure and inadequate because I can’t get her off without the vibrator. Is this her fault or mine?
Not Picking Up Good Vibrations
Dear NPUGV,
Fault is a loaded word that looks for someone or something to blame for an issue. In this situation there is no fault and there is no blame. Your girlfriend’s body, like many other bodies, enjoys vibrations and the fact that that enjoyment leads her to sexual climax is not an issue, it’s a blessing. There is no point comparing yourself to a vibrator because you are two different things, just like masturbating and sex with a partner are two different things. Your partner getting off with a vibrator during sex does not make you inadequate; if anything it makes you awesome for not stopping her from getting off. A lot of people avoid sex toys because of the same insecurities you have, much to the dismay of their partner and detriment to their relationship.
All that said, your insecurities are real and worth addressing with your partner. Sometimes people get stuck using the same methods – be it a position, fantasy or sex toy – to get themselves off, causing stagnation and frustration in their sex lives. There is no fault in having a comfort zone, but reaching out of that zone is what helps make a successful sexual relationship. In the same way you would politely suggest trying a new sexual position, try politely suggesting using your tongue, finger or other body extremity to stimulate her instead. Or better yet, suggest she use her own body to get used to a stimulation that’s not as hard and intense as vibrations from a toy, then move on to using your body.
Since she’s used vibrators to get off in the past, she may be inclined to rush to grab one when her orgasm is slow to come. Often times women who can only get off using a vibrator actually can get off without vibrations it just takes much longer. It is very important to be patient with her and encourage her to have patience with herself. Understand that you may not get it right off the bat but don’t let the frustration in this keep you from continually trying. Encourage her to be as honest and open with you as possible about what she does and doesn’t like and you’ll eventually get to a place where you both feel secure and satisfied. Until then, see the vibrator as a friendly orgasm helper, not a replacement for the overall satisfaction and stimulation you give her.
Happy experimenting,
Queerie Bradshaw
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They should also try combining a cock ring see if that can do the trick or a vibe/bullet during sex on her clit and no blame games just fun.