Remember that time my partner D.E. stayed in China and I came back to the States and we said we’d give it another try when ze was back? Remember that other time I made a mixed tape playlist (first of our now regular MTMs) as part of my ploy to win zir back?
Well, that plan didn’t work and now D.E. is back and we’re not giving it another try and I’m not exactly sure how I feel about it. The feelings come in layers and each layer has molded to the next to form this overall feeling of … what is this?
It’s not hate, it’s not love. It’s not joy, it’s not anger.
I do believe this is the feeling of apathy.
Maybe it’s because of work, or distractions like speaking at BlogHer coming up, or my brother’s illness and all the other sad things that have happened this year, but I just don’t really feel anything about D.E.’s return. I’m positively neutral on the subject.
Yes, sometimes I’m sad that we didn’t work out, a sadness that creeps in at night when I miss the amazing bear hugs ze would give me as I cried over whatever sadness had incapacitated me at that moment, and yes I miss the friend I had to laugh with about stupid things like farts and bad TV, but overall the idea of having D.E. back in my life feels … exhausting.
Usually I want at least a break up romp, but this time, I just don’t have it in me.
Have you ever reached that point in your life when everything just feels so exhausting? That point when you can chew all the Vitamin D gummies you want and you still have problems getting off of your couch? Well I’m in the thick of that. The idea of opening another wound on purpose sounds idiotic and not worth the sweat.
So, I think I might have to just avoid D.E. until this all passes, whenever that is. I’d like to be friends one day, but sometimes you have to admit that friends with your exes can do more harm than good.
One day I will care again. One day I will miss D.E. again, if only as a friend. But right now, I’m just too damn exhausted.
What about you? Are you friends with your ex?