Relationships: Exes are Exhausting, aka My Ex is Back in the States and I’m Too Tired to Care

Remember that time my partner D.E. stayed in China and I came back to the States and we said we’d give it another try when ze was back? Remember that other time I made a mixed tape playlist (first of our now regular MTMs) as part of my ploy to win zir back?

Well, that plan didn’t work and now D.E. is back and we’re not giving it another try and I’m not exactly sure how I feel about it.  The feelings come in layers and each layer has molded to the next to form this overall feeling of … what is this?

It’s not hate, it’s not love. It’s not joy, it’s not anger.

I do believe this is the feeling of apathy.

Maybe it’s because of work, or distractions like speaking at BlogHer coming up, or my brother’s illness and all the other sad things that have happened this year, but I just don’t really feel anything about D.E.’s return. I’m positively neutral on the subject.

Yes, sometimes I’m sad that we didn’t work out, a sadness that creeps in at night when I miss the amazing bear hugs ze would give me as I cried over whatever sadness had incapacitated me at that moment, and yes I miss the friend I had to laugh with about stupid things like farts and bad TV, but overall the idea of having D.E. back in my life feels … exhausting.

Usually I want at least a break up romp, but this time, I just don’t have it in me.

Have you ever reached that point in your life when everything just feels so exhausting? That point when you can chew all the Vitamin D gummies you want and you still have problems getting off of your couch? Well I’m in the thick of that. The idea of opening another wound on purpose sounds idiotic and not worth the sweat.

So, I think I might have to just avoid D.E. until this all passes, whenever that is. I’d like to be friends one day, but sometimes you have to admit that friends with your exes can do more harm than good.

One day I will care again. One day I will miss D.E. again, if only as a friend. But right now, I’m just too damn exhausted.


What about you? Are you friends with your ex?


About Queerie Bradshaw

Lauren Marie Fleming is a writer, speaker and motivator known for her intimate, informative and often hilarious look at sex, relationships and body-image. Lauren runs the critically-acclaimed blog, writes for major news sources including VICE, Nerve, Huffington Post and Curve, and is the author of her memoir Losing It: My Life as a Sex Blogger. In 2013, Lauren founded Frisky Feminist Press ( as a way to enhance conversations about sexuality through educational guides, online classes and entertaining publications. A law school graduate, Lauren has spoken all over the United States and is internationally recognized for her dynamic, engaging style. In everything she does, Lauren’s goal is to educate, remove stigmas and encourage people to achieve their desires.
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4 Responses to Relationships: Exes are Exhausting, aka My Ex is Back in the States and I’m Too Tired to Care

  1. Jessenia says:

    It’s too hard being friends with an ex. Well, at least one you were very emotionally attached to. If two people dated for a short while and decided they’re better off as friends, then it’s ok to be friends. But if there was too much involved and you try to be friends after the break up, then the friendship only hurts. Hang in there :o)

  2. gingersass says:

    We are SO going to be friends at BlogHer. I demand a blorgie.

    I feel like your blog is dead on with my own life. A few months ago, I realized I felt nothing but apathy towards my ex…except for those sad, single nights where a romance was on tv, I was dealing with emotions of this past year, or I really missed her bear hugs that made everything okay. Other than that, she had become this person that I really didn’t care about anymore.

    I recently started being on a friendlier basis with her. (We weren’t talking until we ran into each other, drunkenly, at Pride.) After a year of hilarious dating fails (and running into her) I realized that I was finally at a point where I didn’t care about her and I was actually happy(ish) for her and the woman she left me for. I had been holding on to a lot of guilt and anger towards how things were left the last (and final) time we broke up, and it was sort of nice and relieving to have the opportunity to talk to her and clear the air. We’re certainly not friends (except on facebook now), but we’re not enemies either.

    So, in a weird, verbose answer to your question, I’m facebook friends with my ex…and that’s about it.

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