Sex: Oral Sex Is Not A Loop Hole

I understand the concept of virginity. I understand the innocence and purity one wants to keep until that person is finally ready to have sex on their wedding night. I understand all of that because I’ve been that person. I agree that the concept of virginity has a lot to do with personal and religious beliefs, and I think that the definition of losing one’s virginity depends on person to person. However, I do not agree that just because a person has not had intercourse, but has done everything else imaginable, is still a virgin; especially when oral sex is all you do just so you can claim your virginity. 

A couple of years ago when I was dating a man named Eric, I was surprised to hear he was still a virgin. He was 28 years old, attractive and well educated. Guys like him are hard to come by, but here I was getting to know this very nice young man. He told me the whole reason behind him keeping his virginity because it was important I know where our possible relationship could go. He explained how he grew up very religious and made a vow to only lose his virginity to the woman he marries on their wedding night. I respected his decision as I normally do to anyone who has different beliefs than mine. But I wasn’t sure if our relationship could turn into something serious where I’d be the one he marries and loses his virginity to. All I could do was date him and see where it could go. 

As we got to know each other a little better and felt closer with one another, we started talking about sex. He mentioned to me that while we’re dating and not having sex, because of his vow to keep his virginity until marriage, we could do other things to keep us sexually satisfied. At that moment all I heard in my head was tires screeching and a car coming to a complete stop after crashing into a wall. All I could say was, “Ummm……What?” 

via: http://tshirtdaily.com/tag/virgin-t-shirt/

He explained to me that although he is a virgin, he can still have oral sex with his partners and still claim his virginity. According to him and his religious beliefs, losing one’s virginity is defined by having intercourse with their partner. As long as he doesn’t have intercourse with a woman, but still has oral sex with her, then he can still consider himself a virgin. I couldn’t help but sarcastically ask him, “Does your body experience a different kind of orgasm with oral sex than with intercourse?” He stayed quiet and realized what he was telling me was a complete contradiction to “saving yourself” for marriage. 

I went on to argue that whether it’s intercourse, oral or anal sex, the body reacts the same in a satisfying pleasurable way. There is no “virginal” orgasm. And although according to his religious beliefs he’s still a “virgin,” he is still sexually active. There’s nothing to save or to be saved if he’s constantly having oral sex. He’s still committing sexual pleasures with a partner, having the same orgasm he’d be having if he was having intercourse. 

The same argument goes for women who say it’s ok to have anal sex and still be a virgin. No, honey. No. I fully believe that if you’re having oral sex, anal sex, or whatever kind of sex but not intercourse, then you shouldn’t be allowed to say you’re a virgin or that you’re saving yourself. There is no loop hole to keeping one’s pure innocence until marriage by allowing yourself to do everything else. I think to be able to absolutely say you’re saving yourself until marriage, it’s best to abstain from any kind of sex act. 

At the end of the day, it only matters what you think of yourself. If you want to call yourself a “virgin” and perform every other sexual act there is, except intercourse, then go ahead and be your own contradiction. It’s your life. But there’s no way in hell anyone will ever fool me into thinking how great it is to have stayed a virgin for so long and only plan on losing their virginity on the night of their wedding to be followed by an immediate “But hey, can you suck my dick?” No, thank you.

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5 Responses to Sex: Oral Sex Is Not A Loop Hole

  1. Rosie says:

    I think it’s pretty unfair to say “it only matters what you think of yourself” and then claim anyone who chooses the “virgin” label outside of your own definition is in some way lying to themselves. Telling people what their sexual histories and choices SHOULD mean to them isn’t a far cry from telling people how they should label their sexual orientations — and I think we can agree in liberal, sex-pos, queer-influenced circles that the latter is completely okay. So why is the former okay?

    • Rosie says:

      Sorry, I meant that the latter is completely NOT okay. My bad.

    • Rebelda Timida says:

      I think the reason why I felt so strong about Eric calling himself a virgin, even though he has oral sex, was because I grew up in such a virgin state of mind. Because of my religious upbringing, I knew what a virgin was and what a virgin didn’t do. Eric was the first guy I had ever met who called himself a virgin, but yet was sexually active orally. I didn’t understand it. And I called him a hypocrite. But after so many years of being liberated from my religious beliefs and knowing my sexuality, I understand that it doesn’t matter what you call yourself. That’s why I said it only matters what you think about yourself. It’s your body. Call it whatever you want. But the definition of a virgin that I grew up with is what was stuck in my head at the time of that conversation resulting in my reaction. Eric actually ended up agreeing with me, which surprised me, but it was just my opinion. Thank you for your comment :o)

    • I agree, I think virginity is a label we can’t put on people, but I also think that people need to be more honest with how much sex they have or have not had, especially when their denial of that sex can lead to a false sense of security from STIs. I think it’s important to talk about what virginity means to a person before you assume it means they’re the same version of a virgin as you are.

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