The Adventurous Klutz Hangs Christmas Lights

While in Southern California for my hometown rodeo, my little niece rudely gave me the flu. I spent the week of my return rotating between my bathroom, my bed and my couch, regretting my decision to live without TV or internet at my apartment. After five days, three boxes of tissue, seven rolls of toilet paper and ten movies, I felt better but my house never looked worse.

My boring house full of snot rags.

 

Vast amounts of random stuff strewn everywhere not shown.

Even though it was my steadfast rule to hold off on all things Christmas until after Thanksgiving, I decided my house needed some cheer, so I went into my extra closet and got out my boxes upon boxes of Holiday decorations.

My Extra Closet Full of Junk

 

Actual closet has sliding doors, not opening ones like I drew here.

I wrapped my walls in colored twinkle lights, hung a human sized stocking near my door, placed the dreidal under the Chanukkah bush, decorated my miniature Christmas tree and even set out hay bails to represent winter solstice. Within an hour, I had all but Kwanzaa represented in my window sill.

Holiday Window

Sadly, I have yet to find something to represent Kwanzaa.

 

My new sparkly, twinkly, colorful living room made me so happy that I decided I needed to place the last two strands of white lights around my bedroom walls.

Standing on a folding chair, nail held between my teeth, I attempted to hammer around a large mirror hanging from my wall. Needing more space, I scooted the folding chair back – only to have the back leg hit a sex toy lying on my floor, sending me, the hammer and the lights flying.

Scene of the Crime

As my head hit the bed, luckily knocking the nail out of my mouth before I swallowed it, my future tombstone flashed before my eyes.

My Future Tombstone

I love the idea of having twinkle lights and sex toys adorn my grave.

In the end, I did more damage to myself laughing hysterically at how “Queerie Bradshaw” of a way that would have been to die than I did from falling. I can just imagine the obituary now:

L.M. Fleming, writer, law student and friend, died Saturday night slipping on a sex toy while hanging holiday lights. She is survived by her mother, father, sister, brother and stuffed teddy bear, Patches.”

Promise me, loyal readers and adoring fans, that if I ever die in a hilarious misadventure, that you will laugh along with me, for what is an ambitious klutz worth if she doesn’t have her hilarity.

Hilariously yours,

~L.M. Fleming

The Ambitious Klutz

Feedback time: I’ve got some creative readers out there, let’s see if any of you can come up with clever obituaries that could have come from this event.

About Queerie Bradshaw

Lauren Marie Fleming is a writer, speaker and motivator known for her intimate, informative and often hilarious look at sex, relationships and body-image. Lauren runs the critically-acclaimed QueerieBradshaw.com blog, writes for major news sources including VICE, Nerve, Huffington Post and Curve, and is the author of her memoir Losing It: My Life as a Sex Blogger. In 2013, Lauren founded Frisky Feminist Press (FriskyFeminist.com) as a way to enhance conversations about sexuality through educational guides, online classes and entertaining publications. A law school graduate, Lauren has spoken all over the United States and is internationally recognized for her dynamic, engaging style. In everything she does, Lauren’s goal is to educate, remove stigmas and encourage people to achieve their desires.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to The Adventurous Klutz Hangs Christmas Lights

  1. G says:

    You really should sue the manufacturer of that toy. Did their instructions include any warnings about the possible dangers of leaving it lying about on the floor in a holiday construction zone? I’ll bet not–sounds like an open and shut case of pure negligence to me. In the holiday spirit, I ask, “Do you hear what I hear? Ka-CHING!”

We'd love to hear what you think... Leave a comment!