Oh that little thing right there? That’s nothing, just a giant ball of something hanging out in my uterus.
The doctors found it by sticking a tube into my cervix and filling my uterus up with fluid, then shoving a probe in my vaginal cavity simultaneously, while I screamed in pain and begged them to stop.
It was probably the least fun thing my body has ever been through.
Unfortunately, they think that ball, as large as it seems in the photo, is too small and innocuous to be causing all the abdomen pain I’ve been in, so we haven’t decided if we’re going to abort the lesbian spawn of Satan growing inside of me, or just see where it runs its course.
Meanwhile, I’m in for more tests, all of which seem to leave me in more pain than when I started and with little to no desire to have anything up my vagina ever again. I tried masturbating two days ago and it hurt so badly to orgasm that I thought about joining a nunnery.
But, just because I can’t physically participate in Masturbation Month May (unlike National Clitoris Day, I didn’t make this one up, just ask Twitter), doesn’t mean I can’t suggest items ways for all of you to enjoy it!
In fact, I would love it if you all could masturbate for me! Dedicate an orgasm to my wounded, extended, parasitic twin carrying uterus!
Help me live vicariously through you by masturbating in some of my favorite ways.
1. The romantic evening alone.
As cliche as it sounds, I love to light some candles, put on some sensual music, draw myself a bath and relax in the tub. Here are some things that help make that experience even better.
- Aromatherapy Massage Candle by Emily & Tony, which you can also use as a massage oil if you’re so inclined
- Bath Bombs by Relax Me, a part of GoodVibe’s new bath and body line
- Suction Foot Rest by Sportsheets, to help you get the right angle (I like to have one foot up sometimes)
- Tango by We-Vibe, my new favorite travel companion is luckily waterproof and a perfectly powerful tool for the bath
2. The loving assist.
My partner has a lower sex drive than I do, so sometimes I feel like an orgasm when she’s rather spent. In those instances, she rubs my breasts while I touch myself. It’s one of my favorite things to do and a way for us to be intimate without having to fully engage in more exhausting kinds of sex.
5. The quarter-pounder (hold the cheese).
Sometimes, you don’t want all that romance. Sometimes, you just want to pound yourself. For those instances, I like to grab one of my favorite dildos.
- The Fling by NobEssence, which was the first – and only so far – toy to make me ejaculate
- Pack ‘N Play #1 by Tantus, also a great packing harness dildo
- The Duke by Tantus, bigger head and also vibrates if you want it to, which I usually don’t
4. The ride ’em cowgirl.
Sometimes, I just want to ride something. Unlike Epiphora, I haven’t been lucky enough to be gifted a Sybian sex machine, so I’ve made one myself out of my Liberator wedge. Just grab a dildo with balls and shove the balls into the pocket for the Magic Wand, then enjoy the ride! You can obviously also just keep the Magic Wand (or my favorite the Bodywand) and ride that as well, if that’s more your style.
5. The quickie.
Dammit, all this talk about masturbating has made me horny. Oh well, hopefully they’ll figure out what’s causing this pain sooner rather than later. Until then, thanks for masturbating in my honor!