Queerie Me: My Friend Came Out and Now Doesn't Want to Hang with Straight People

Dear Queerie Bradshaw,

My friend and I are 27 and have been best friends for over 20 years. She came out about six months ago and now doesn’t want anything to do with her straight friends, even though we accept and are proud of her. We used to go out to bars all the time and now all she wants to do is sit at home with her new girlfriend or go to gay events. Will she come around or is our relationship doomed?

Supportive Straight Friend

 

Dear Supportive Straight Friend,

Remember when you first turned 16 and were so excited to finally drive a car? Or, better yet, when you turned 21 and finally got to drink and go to bars like your older friends did? Or, best yet, remember when you first had sex and finally got to see what all the fuss was about?

Coming out is like that. It’s a major life changing experience that alters your identity in a very personal and significant way. It’s like getting your first period or going away to college. It’s an experience so big that when it happens, sometimes you just want to be around other people who know what it’s like for awhile.

I don’t know you personally but I assume you don’t hang out at bars full of old men with long white beards and t-shirts that say “I Love My Hog” on them. Why? Because people like to be around others with similar interests and desires as they have, especially at bars where chances are they’re going to get hit on at some point in the evening. A place that may seem cozy and fun to you could easily be uncomfortable – or worse dangerous – to a gay person, especially a gay couple that may want to show some affection towards each other without gawkers.

If you want to salvage your friendship, you need to recognize that simple acceptance is not support, as support requires action on your part. Instead of your usual drinking spot, try suggesting a gay bar or at least one with other openly gay people at it. If your friend wants to spend time with her girlfriend at home, suggest dinner and a movie at her place so you can get to know her partner. The next time your friend is heading off to a gay event, ask to come along. In the same way you’re sad she won’t come out with you anymore, she’s probably sad you won’t go out with her.

With a little understanding and work on both of your parts, I think you can salvage the friendship.

~Queerie Bradshaw

 

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About Queerie Bradshaw

Lauren Marie Fleming is a writer, speaker and motivator known for her intimate, informative and often hilarious look at sex, relationships and body-image. Lauren runs the critically-acclaimed QueerieBradshaw.com blog, writes for major news sources including VICE, Nerve, Huffington Post and Curve, and is the author of her memoir Losing It: My Life as a Sex Blogger. In 2013, Lauren founded Frisky Feminist Press (FriskyFeminist.com) as a way to enhance conversations about sexuality through educational guides, online classes and entertaining publications. A law school graduate, Lauren has spoken all over the United States and is internationally recognized for her dynamic, engaging style. In everything she does, Lauren’s goal is to educate, remove stigmas and encourage people to achieve their desires.
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